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Saturday, March 23, 2013

Dude. . . Really?

A dude comes in with scrotal pain.  Triage Nurse Gigantor tells him we're going to need a urine sample.  So, he gives him a cup along with the wipes to provide the sample, walks him to the bathroom, and gives him instructions for how to provide a mid-stream, clean-catch specimen.  Dude says okay and returns to the triage nurse a few minutes later, handing him this:

This is actually a duplicate I made to compare
to the actual sample.  They were identical.

Not sure if you can tell, exactly, but what you see is this:  Some clear liquid that is a little bit cloudy with a film of bubbles on top.  Now, I know what urine looks like.  I deal with it just about every day I work.  So does our gigantic triage nurse.

Triage nurse comes back to the ER from the triage area holding up this cup in the little biohazard bag and starts asking every other nurse he finds, just to confirm, "Does this look like urine to you?"  Everyone pretty much laughs and confirms his suspicions that it is not, in fact urine.  Even the doctor (one of my favorites because she doesn't take shit from anybody) chimes in.  One nurse says that it actually looks like soapy water.  Everybody looks at the "sample" again and decides that it probably is exactly that.

This pisses off our awesome doc who takes no shit.  She says that whoever ends up taking care of this guy is going to be giving him an in & out catheter (which is a horrific experience, by the way) in order to obtain a proper sample.

Once the guy finally gets back to a room and gets his cath, of course, the urine looks like. . . well, urine.  Not soapy water.

When doc confronts the guy about the first ridiculous sample:
Dude: What, that's just what I pissed out. (with defensive attitude, posturing and tone) 
Doc: Come on.  You're talking to a doctor and a bunch of experienced nurses here.  We deal with actual urine every single day.  Did you really think we wouldn't notice? 
Dude (sticking to story): No, really, that's just what I pissed out. 
Doc: *shakes head and walks out of room*
What a moron.  Why would he give us soap and water as a urine sample?  Was he afraid we'd drug test him?  For those of you who don't know this, we don't give a shit (legally speaking) if you're using drugs.  We're not gonna call the cops on you.  And, in a case like this, we most likely aren't even going to do a tox screen.  We're just trying to figure out what's going on with you.  And, frankly, if you're ever going to want to provide a real sample to figure out what's wrong, it's probably going to be when you're having scrotal pain.  Wouldn't you want to get accurate answers for that?  I know I would!

Gotta give the guy some credit, though, for sticking to his story until the bitter end. . .

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