Biting My Lip

Have you ever been triaging a patient that is just so utterly ridiculous that you want to laugh in his face?  Have you ever actually lost your shit right there and started cracking up?  Last night, I had one of my more favorite triage experiences.

A guy came in with the chief complaint of "High Blood Pressure."

When I took him into the triage room, I asked a simple question: "So, what brings you in here today?"

Oops.  Here's the answer I got (and I'm pretty sure the 55-ish guy didn't take one breath throughout the entire process:

"Well, my blood pressure felt like it was really high, so I checked it with my cousin's thingy that measures blood pressure.  It was REALLY REALLY HIGH!  It was 179/106! Oh, and can I tell you one more thing?  I had a kidney transplant about a year ago.  Well, and I drink a lot of water.  My pee is clear.  Is that ok?  I'm worried about having clear pee.  So, I want to get my kidney checked out too as long as I'm here.  Oh, and I have to tell you.  Can I tell you one more thing?  I'm pretty sure my blood pressure is up because of my girlfriend.  She stresses me out, man.  I'm really embarrassed to tell you this, but you're a nurse, so I guess you don't really care that much.  Anyway, she's a really big girl.  She's like, you know, really big.  I had to lift up the front of her stomach to get to her in order to have sex.  And you know what?  She's so big that I couldn't get close enough to her to get inside her.  Have you ever heard of that?  So, anyway, the other day, since I can't get inside her, she gave me a b***job.  She's got another boyfriend, though.  She says she's only been with this other dude and me.  So, as long as I'm here, I wanna get checked and make sure I don't have anything.  I don't want AIDS, man.  I really don't."

V/S were completely normal.  Ten minutes after going through all this, the guy signs an AMA form and walks out of the ER.

Well, ok, bro.  Have a good one, I guess?